Belief and OpinionsYou Don’t Find A Soulmate – You Create One.

You Don’t Find A Soulmate – You Create One.


For years, we’ve heard about the concept of the soulmate: that somewhere out there, our one true love is waiting for us – the belief that every box comes with a lid.  The most popular idea surrounding the word is that there is only one soulmate in the world, that this person is the right match for each of us, and that you must find that person in order to be happy in love and marriage.

But the concept of a soulmate is more than simply the idea that there’s someone out there with whom we might settle down and be happy — it also implies that you and your love are cosmically pre-destined and that falling in love with anybody else would be a waste of time. In fact, some people believe that soulmates have the power to push you to transcend into a higher level of consciousness – by offering experiences that change the way you understand yourself and the world around you in a way that drastically alters your life.

According to a Marist survey conducted in January 2011, 73% of Americans believe they are destined to discover their genuine soul partner. Men have a somewhat greater proportion (74%) than women (71%). The idea of soulmates is considerably more popular with younger people, with 79% of those under 45 believing in them (as opposed to 69% of those over 45).

In today’s world, you can’t possibly have a conversation around relationships and love without mentioning the existence of a soulmate. However, the question remains – do you actually end up ‘finding your soulmate or you ‘create’ one through years of learning about them, encountering hardships in your relationship, forming and raising a family, and loving each other through all of life’s ups and downs?

by Wavebreakmedia / unlimphotos

Finding a soulmate is a statistical impossibility.

Let’s start with the assumption that if soul mates exist, they are chosen at birth at random. If they’re all in the same broad age range, you’ve got roughly a half-billion possible partners from across the world. The numbers don’t add up in this case.

If there is just one person out there for you somewhere across the globe, the chances of you finding them are little to none. Besides, till the time that you actually end up meeting them, you might have already found companionship or made a connection with a ton of other people.

Then what’s the Probability of Finding Your Soulmate?

Finding an ideal match or a soulmate implies that you’d have to travel to every corner of the globe because that one in a half-billion probably doesn’t live in your city or didn’t go to your high school, or might not even speak the same language as you do.

While values, shared interests, beauty, education level, and cultural background are all essential factors, the single most important indicator of the chance of two individuals getting together is geographic proximity.

  • You make eye contact with 30 or 40 strangers every day,
  • Suppose just 10% of those strangers are in your age bracket,
  • Then, you will meet 50,000 people in your life who might be potential soulmates.

But keep in mind that you’re searching for one in a half-billion, so at this pace, you’d only discover genuine love once in 10,000 lifetimes. People who live close to one another and have more regular contact are far more likely to get to know one another and develop sentiments of attraction and romantic love for one another.

Consider all of the couples in your immediate vicinity. What brought them together?

If they attended the same university or the same gym, whether they share the same workspace, or even if they have mutual friends who hooked them up at a party, there must have been some common ground. With the exception of a few people who meet online and start dating across continents, most relationships are born out of genuine physical encounters that take place when people’s lives intersect through natural coincidence.

Besides, approximately 40% of long-distance couples split up within 4.5 months into the relationship when the difficulties start creeping in.

If you think that someone out there was born only for you, and you go out in search of this person, the odds of you losing out on a good experience with someone already in your proximity are greater than the chances of you really ending up with this “soulmate” person.

by Wavebreakmedia / unlimphotos

The pursuit of a soulmate can actually hamper what you have at present.

You might be surprised to know that many relationship gurus caution that holding the concept of “soulmates” too close to your heart might negatively influence your present relationship or even find a future love interest. You may not be completely involved in your relationship if you are continuously on the lookout for “the one.”

The idea of finding a soulmate is problematic in the sense that it leads people to believe in a romantic destiny, which is only a myth.

A study by Raymond Knee in 1998 looked at the effect of believing in “romantic destiny” or soulmates on the quality of actual relationships. He compared relationships between individuals who believed in soulmates versus those who believed in “relationship growth” or the view that relationships can prosper by means of an intentional process that demands work over time. His research concluded that people belonging to the latter category had more successful relationships.

Another study performed by Gili Freedman and colleagues in 2018 concluded that individuals who believed in a romantic destiny felt more favorably about ghosting and were more likely to have ghosted partners in the past.

The study discovered that those who believe they are “destined” to be with someone are more likely to ghost their significant others when they come to the realization that the person might not actually be their soulmate.

  • How are you sure it’s ‘clicking’?

People who believe in soulmates depend on their compatibility, whether they “click” or not when determining the success of a relationship. However, during the initial stages of every relationship, which is popularly known as the ‘honeymoon phase,’ everything seems magical, and your attraction levels are peaking. You barely find out any flaws in each other, let alone fight or argue.

  • It’s just about the search.

As a result, soulmate seekers are more likely to feel highly passionate and happy with partners at first, especially if everything is suitable. Eventually, when issues do emerge, believers in soulmates frequently do not cope well and quit the relationship. In other words, the assumption that soul mates should be perfectly suited encourages people to give up on relationships that aren’t perfect.

  • There is no perfect fit

They just search for their “perfect” fit elsewhere. Because people of this kind perceive defects or flaws in an otherwise predestined masterpiece, their relationships lack any meaningful depth and substance. As a result, these relationships are frequently passionate but brief, with a higher probability of failure.

  • Are you willing to grow together?

People who believe in romantic development or cultivation seek someone who will strive and grow with them, addressing issues as they arise. Even in tough conditions, they think that relationships may grow through hard effort and compromise. As a result, they are less enthusiastic and happy with their partners initially.

  • It’s going to change. Always.

A person who is growing romantically does not have the same powerful, euphoric feelings in the initial stages of a relationship as someone pursuing a soulmate. When issues emerge, though, they are driven to address them and stay true to their relationship. As a result, their relationships tend to last longer and be more fulfilling in the long run. Rather than dismissing a lover because of tiny differences, they communicate, adapt, and create a fulfilling relationship.

You Create You – and Your Love

This is in keeping with the widely held idea that your relationship is much like a plant that needs daily watering to grow in a nurturing atmosphere. You don’t just “click” with someone; you have to put in consistent effort over time for your relationship to blossom and bear fruit. Navigating the darker, more difficult times as well as the lighter, brighter, and easier ones with your significant other and choosing them through it all may genuinely bind you and establish true intimacy.

As two people spend time with each other and their complexities and compatibilities get closely intertwined, they end up becoming perfect or irreplaceable in each other’s lives. That is how two people meet, fall in love and only after effectively negotiating the challenges they face in the relationship end up becoming each other’s soulmates. You don’t just find your soulmate; you create them.

This may not appear to be hard, almost unacceptable proof that the notion of soulmates is flawed, but consider this: if soulmates were a genuine, attainable entity, why would our continual pursuit of them make us so unhappy? Letting go of one true love notion may make your love life a lot more sustainable and healthy.


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